I think I lost my halo
What I really like about music is how some people are able to put into words and sound exactly what it feels like when I try to put into context what it has been like as the poster child for Laurie's hate. So many lies. So many rumors. So many hateful stories that she's spread about my family and my friends, my sexuality, my HIV, my alleged or not promiscuity (as if any of that would be her business), my fraternity and so many other things. It was so much easier for people to like me when I was here in high school hating myself. What people perceived was popular, handsome, athletic, scholar, team captain with a future. What was true was miserable, bullied, youth stolen, frightened, teenager begging to be set free from a town that didn't know a sociopath was trying to kill me, even then. I was here, so was my smile, but my soul was anywhere but. I lept at the chance to get as far away from here as possible and even considered a transfer from U.C. Riverside to Kansas University my second year of college. The further the better. I wanted nothing more to do with the feelings I had about what my vibe was from the hate brewing inside of Laurie and her brother.
The reason was simple, now, looking back, IT was still following me. The mess that is Laurie. It followed me into my college dorm with a letter from Kelley Barnes, a girl I knew briefly from high school. Some kind of thing about "seeing me in front of her garage door and ramming her car through it to hit me"...sounds kind of like the kid Laurie pushed in front of the car again doesn't it? You see, I didn't have enemies, I had an enemy...a one way enemy....she hated me. I knew it. She made it very clear and the letter said, "I'm still following you and I know where you are." You see...hatred like Laurie's never dies, it evolves. I knew what I felt in high school wasn't left far enough behind in the long drive from 29 Palms to Riverside.
There is something that I want to discuss today. It involves "guilt". There are two kinds of guilt you know? There is actual "guilt" where you did something and something happened because of it. That is "guilt-Y". Then there is another kind of "guilt"...and that's the one I want to talk about today...and it has nothing to do with a legal definition. Please understand that what I am going to tell you is about a feeling...not about anything else. It's not about negligence. It's not about intentions. It's about how you feel once you find out the truth or most of the truth then you realize that it centered around you and you didn't know about it. It gives you a tremendous feeling of "guilt". Not Legal GUILT, but personal feeling of guilt.
I've always wanted to be a "better brother/better son" and now, after finding out the truth (or a great deal of it), "I want to be a better adversary to the evil that I have done." Many of you will tell me, "It's not your evil Kevin" and I understand what you are saying and appreciate that. What you don't understand is how deeply I love the people I love. I love people deeply. My family, my friends, my boyfriend...all have suffered because of Laurie following me...my problem became theirs. There is a tremendous amount of guilt that comes with that. Some of my friends lost their lives because of that. To do nothing would be absolutely excruciatingly painful to me. It's just impossible for me to not. People have suggested that I stop. Best friends, parents, strangers...but they don't know what I know. They don't know that if I stop, people will die. They don't get it.
So rather than tell people things like, "you don't really know the Hell that Laurie put me through do you," I opted to say nothing for a very long time. Many people stood up for me, but over time, she simply saturated this area with so many lies while her brother tortured me that I was run down. I used some drugs, but not nearly what she was telling people. I have the pictures and the friends to prove it, but none of that justification is really necessary with true friends, I thought. I guess it was. Every time I would come back here it would get worse. Even my parents, to this day, will tell me, don't you remember how terrible you were and to be honest, I still answer, "yes" when I know I wasn't. It's easier to let them believe the worst than fight for that truth until it is time. I certainly wasn't an angel, so they are justified. Domingo en fuego, I think I lost my halo. Have you ever heard a drug addict tell you they weren't that bad? It sounds pitiful.
The truth. 98% of my friends did not use drugs and they never knew I did. They wouldn't have liked it if they knew it. I think I bought meth three time in 11 years in San Diego to the tune of $30. $40, and $80. That was it. I used it more, but it was about an 10 month span. I didn't want to, I wrote about it. I was in the best shape of my life. I didn't sell it. I never used needles. I gave about half of it away to friends. I didn't use it at work and couldn't have. I tried to stop and asked for time off to do that. The end. That's the truth. To hear my family talk about it, you'd think I was some kind of junkie. It wasn't the way things were. When you read my diaries, you will know the truth. I didn't like it and I didn't want it around. When I hear about it now it makes me think back to some of the things I heard and I realize whom was behind all of it. The pictures will show you the reality of my world from back then, I am confident.
When I got back to Palm Springs, California, I realized something else...Laurie had done in many of the people that I knew there. There was no more happy. The city had become some kind of shit hole. The gay community was full of these street urchin rip off teams that you just got an ill feeling about. It wasn't a fun place any longer. It went from sunny Palm Springs to a shit hole of street lugnuts all trying to score some kind of needles....not what I'd seen before. Needles were everywhere. Not like in San Diego. People were dark here. They had no personality. They all were HIV positive and had this horrible dead look in their eyes. Even my good friend Jonathan had changed. I'd know him for years but the sparkle was gone. He looked tired, run down, sad. He was still smart, but his sparkle was gone, he looked like a noodle and Anthony called him that. Still there was friendship there...but so much was different...our friends were all dying, including his boyfriend Jared, Jon O'Brien and others. According to Laurie, the girl that doesn't know any of these people on her restraining order, they're all just "promiscuous and got AIDS". Wonder why?
It seems that everyone that I'd ever known as a friend Laurie would contact then microchip in the area...and you know what follows that. I end up with these tremendous feelings of responsibility to them and their families. Now all she wants me to do is stop telling their families to be careful around her. Nobody should be near her. They should all want her to be HIV tested. She'll tell you she has been, but you should all ask Bryan Anderson if she's volunteered to have one to compare to my HIV sample. I can guarantee you he won't say yes. You see she is not willing to take that challenge. She's already admitted that I've never gone near her sexually and I know I would never go near that ugly thing with my penis. I've never used a needle. So if the test comes back that she infected me, what in the world will all of you think then?
Spoiler Alert: Laurie's Dunn Crazy
Here's one example. Josh Dunn. Twenty one Pilot's drummer. Do I know him? His family? Am I friendly with them or not? Factoid: My family lives near a family named Dunn. That's all. In order to get Laurie to spread her rumors about people, I used this piece of information to see how far she could go to say she or her family was friendly with Josh and his family or to see if I was a liar. Either way it isn't important. What I am after here is her rumor mongering ways. I want to know just how far she is willing to go to continue to act like she knows things about me that she doesn't. What will she say now? I'm sure that whatever it is, it won't be what she once said in a restraining order which was, "I don't know anything about him since high school", that was in 2010. Does that sound like bullshit to any of you? Is there anyone out there that has heard Miss Thing stomp her way to your table and start her, "You want to know something that I've heard about Kevin Bond..." bullshit?
There was a short period where mail was being stolen from my parent's street. The Dunn's that live on my parent's street may or may not have been victimized. They have been family friends for years. Laurie and Brian have used their names long before I even talked about Josh. So Laurie's need to find out about the Dunn family living near my family was big. Taking a celebrity's name and putting with theirs allowed me to peak her interest without letting her get close...if she's so interested about finding about my parent's friends, I'm going to make it difficult. Christopher did, in fact, run into Mr. Dunn, one day while he was out here to work on this project. Laurie's always desired to know more....protecting them was simply a matter of pitting more of my friends against her and I DO have celebrity friends. Who they are is none of Laurie's business.
You see what Laurie seeks is relationships with people that are close with my family. I want to see how far she will go to try to meet my parent's neighbors. I want to know just how many people she is willing to talk about...to try to make me look bad to. You see Laurie is celebrity crazy. She's nuts, using celebrities as nice people in a manner to draw out her psychoses isn't illegal...it's a tactic. It works. Laurie is a jealous pain in the ass. Whether my family or I am friendly with a celebrity is none of Laurie's business. She seems to think it is. Using these types of relationships to corner into more lies is a way for her to "come out of her psychological closet" and expose herself again. Who I know and what I know isn't any of her business.
So to Josh Dunn...either I'm sorry or I'm not. Depends on what you believe.
Laurie is constantly pretending to talk to celebrities all night long on this system. I humor her. "Oh really Laurie? And what is Celine Dion saying to you now?" You see if you play with her psychoses, she doesn't seem to get as aggressive. It's not me really, it's just her. Just ask her...when she gets back from her most recent trip from the French Riviera with the Queen of England or Vegas with Britney Spears. I like to play with her balls on her court.
