I guess it must be really different for other Targeted Individuals of electronic harassment. Most of them have no idea whom did this to them or why. They have to live with the voices in their heads telling them what to do or someone burning them with microwaves and wonder why? I don't. I know whom is doing this to me...and because of that, I haven't really listened or participated in a conversation for over 8 full years.
Most people would think that after 35 years of being followed and stalked that it would make me happy to finally know whom was behind all of that strange happenings...the weird attitudes, the intentional HIV infection, the secrets that weren't told to anyone that got out...and in a lot of ways it is comforting and not the least bit surprising to me whom Lisa is. Finding out that she had a brother helping her...was a bit of a surprise because she never mentioned him and I don't know him at all. I don't know her immediate family but I've known her extended family since I was a baby.
Rather than do more Lisa bashing than I've already done tonight...I should tell you that knowing whom she is has really kept me from being who I am. I like to say that I haven't heard a real conversation in years...and that's true. Laurie talks so much that it's like having a talk radio show in your head going on at all times. You, as the target, don't want to have anyone tell you anything personal about themselves, their families, their business, their kids, their sexuality or anything. Nothing important is the basic rule. Usually if I am with people and the conversation turns into something that Laurie can use, I excuse myself and walk away. I only half listen to conversations...which I am sure shows.
Laurie has three people around her at all times and yet, she still thinks that when I am thinking of anything that I am having a conversation with her...
I can't really rely on my memories either...if I spend any time thinking of something that use to make me happy...it will turn into something ugly. I can't really pray because that becomes a "challenge" to her...to keep my prayers from coming true. Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm past this whole experience and with Christopher, but that makes Laurie very jealous...like I'm supposed to think of her like I do Christopher. That's never the case. Fantasizing is not possible as Christian tells Laurie everything that I think about.
I sometimes say that I'm starving for intelligent conversations, but that has kind of died...basically I starved to death of intelligence long long ago. I use to talk with U.S. Attorneys, Federal Judges and lawyers, now I only talk to my cat...whom doesn't talk back.
I can't really talk to my family and they see me talking to myself all the time. I'm sure part of them thinks that I am nuts and the other part wonders if what I've told them about this crime is real. Nobody has ever confirmed with them that what I live with every day is real...nobody.
I basically work nights where I am alone at a job where I've told people that I'm being stalked by a woman I went to high school with in an effort to keep them alert and to not fall for her efforts to sway them into some direction that will hurt me or their own families. When I get off in the morning, I go home and go straight to bed. I sleep constantly in a dark cold room because light and sound makes my brain work overtime...and it needs the rest. When I am awake, I spend a lot of time doing a whole lot of nothing...I wish I could do more, but warrants for my arrest keep me from moving forward...and planning anything is an exercise in futility.
So when people ask me is it different to know whom is behind all of this...it is, but it isn't really any better with the current circumstances. I haven't spoken to Christopher in years. Doing so only makes Laurie hunt him and cause problems for hm. Talking to the police is out of the question because they threatened to have criminal charges brought against me for the informant work I did and for fearing for my life. I can't really do the research I like because I can't afford it or I can't put a credit card number into the computer without Laurie or Brian stealing it.
I have lots of friends but nobody that I see anymore...I can't risk Laurie hurting them knowing what I know about her. I spend little time with my family and fear for their safety all the time...nobody's really confirmed what I know is the truth about Laurie, but there are lots of people that know.
I don't really like people much anymore...I'm cordial and funny...but inside I know better than to get to know them. I, most of the time, don't want them to tell me their names. I don't really have any gay friends any more...and I use to have hundreds of them. So all in all...I've shut down out of necessity...for eight very long years.
I haven't had a conversation in 8 years...and year number 9 has already started...I don't plan on any any time soon. Most of the time I put myself on "auto stupid response" to all of Laurie's constant opinionating and questioning..."but why does everyone hate me", "why do they think that"...which does nobody any good to answer any way.
I don't plan on making any friends in the near future...friends from my past I avoid. I have lots of love around me with my family when I can do that without them bringing up something controversial that Laurie doesn't need to know. I am surrounded by negativity in Laurie's constant need to know more..."I'm getting fat", "he's got a headache", "he's going to Palm Springs for an appointment"...blah, blah, blah. I don't think that I've become antisocial, but I'm sure it looks that way. I can't afford to have another friend infected with HIV by this girl or her brother...personally, I can't take the responsibility of being that person....maybe Mitch Spike can live with himself, knowing what he did, but I'm not that man.
I'm turning into a different person with doubts...but much less fear. I don't fear anything in the future because I don't really believe in it any more...all there is, is tomorrow...then the day after that...then the month after that...and another Summer with Laurie....and another Christmas with Laurie....and another year with Laurie...it's been this way for so long, I don't think of anything beyond a few hours from now when I get off work. Then I get to go home, see my cat and sleep. Believe me, if Laurie could take and torture my cat she would...she's done it before...I've already lost my new Rotweiller....it's just on and on.
