I guess I would have been smarter and better advised if I took, Mrs. Monti's Dan's advice. Car windows being what they are and good help being hard to find. I'm ashamed to have wasted your time on the Christopher aspect of this story...it's not going to be told. He's happy and alive and that's a good thing. Lori will spend all day making a big deal about this because, as is usually the case, we handed her her fantasy to live out. It's like clockwork. I think something is worth working for and it's not. I think something is different and it isn't. I don't want him to feel bad, but at the same time, this was far more work than I would ever have put in. The cost to me has been huge. The benefit, not so much. In the end, a life saved is better than one lost.
I've learned not to expect or want anything. It's too much fun for some people to take it away from you. The less people know about me, the better off I'll be. You can't dream, you can't wish, you can't pray, but what you can do is keep those thoughts from being known by the person that takes every one of them and smashes them on the ground. It's not worth losing everything you think of as special. I don't even think back to fond memories of things any longer. It's all about keeping secrets. That's how you survive. I tried something else, it didn't work. Someone thought it would be better to snuff that out. Silence killed a lot of my friends, they knew I would speak up though. I think that is admirable in my humiliation. I'll be better without having hope. It's harder to take something away then.
Is it possible for someone to stupid you to death? Is that like a legal thing that could be enforced? It should be a law. You aren't allowed to stupid talk for hours and hours at a time. One stupid thing and that's humorous, I can deal with that. Honestly, I think what suffered the most in this project was ambition. I'd like to blame it one other people, but the truth is that it's really hard to hear the things you have to hear and get the rejection you get for even the most minor of things.
I wanted something unattainable. It wasn't ever about "bigger boobs", but to hear Lori talk about it, you'd think the world was made of bigger boobs. Day after day, year after year and the only thing that I got out of this experience ...I can't think of anything. Huh? That's surprises me...I got nothing out of this experience. I still feel for all of the victims of this crime, but at some point they had to care about themselves.
I can't force them into believing that the police won't hurt them....nor can I guarantee that they won't. They hurt me badly, very badly. Humiliated me and pretty much led me down that fucking garden path.
This was ridiculous for me to think I could be happy. I won't be. The rest of you all look happier, you must have made the right decisions. I got stuck with Lori and company...I'll never get out of here.
I guess when I couldn't work on the crime investigation with my friends, it changed everything for me. Then they left the area and I got stuck out here with her. It's not interesting being this person any longer, it's more of a case of "what's going to go wrong next"? I'm so use to the worst case scenario playing out, I guess I'm just happy to be working. Small consolation though...there was so much here to work on and develop. It's a shame that you can have all the right ingredients but still not be able to make it work. There was way too much opposition as I expected after thirty years. Once everyone was gone...time stood still. Horrid things happened and I got screwed.
This isn't the way it should have gone...it was forced to this place.
