I've been down this road before.
You see I trusted Christopher and his mother with something very important here and they have not delivered at all. I've put my entire life story on the line for them thinking that I finally found someone with the kind of commitment and drive that could be worth it, but it's been nine full years guys, he's not really living up to his end of this relationship and apparently, he's not going to. So what should I do?
The person I first met never did what Laurie or anyone else wanted him to do. This Christopher doesn't do anything but what he's told to do. I don't think that's the person I love. This new version of Christopher is too, Laurie like. I wouldn't ever be interested in him. A controlled, manipulated, wimpy, Christopher isn't someone that I could ever respect. I'm not the least bit interested in someone that couldn't make a decision better than to sit and watch this happen to me and my family. I've never been impressed with him not calling, contacting, telling me the truth or keeping secrets. I'm simply over it, officially.
So I guess, I'm through dealing with this situation on a level of control by a man and his wife telling him something to do to me. I won't allow anyone to manipulate me or my relationship with anyone ever again. I have my own relationships with the men that I date, not some married couple that can't figure out their own problems.
I'm not interested in this situation any longer. I've got to deal with my own problems now. They don't include Christopher any longer.
This whole situation is exacerbated by a promise that I made to his mother. I did this because I knew what would happen to him if I didn't keep an eye out for him. I did everything that a boyfriend should do. Then when the situation was reversed, they did the exact opposite and turned their backs on me. They were put in a better position to do more good for me and my family and did absolutely nothing. I think that isn't what I was looking for in a relationship, a partner, a family or a friend. What I am getting at here is the seriousness of the situation called for something much greater than the response. No response at all? That's not what I was looking for at all. I think that when you go to the greatest lengths and to greater heights to save a person's life, you do it with the greatest amount of respect for a family. When that is done the way I've done and the return is absolute silence, you tend to feel disillusioned to say the very least.
Some will say that this is not the forum for this conversation. I might agree that a gentleman wouldn't put these feelings forward in such a public manner, but this is the very forum that saved his life. I feel the exact opposite. I think it is the perfect venue to say that I did more than anyone in history has ever done to express the love and concern that I had for him, his family and his safety. Under the circumstances, it was the perfect way to have people looking out for him. Can I help it if the people that promised to help me, weren't looking out for his best interests but now live with him? He's blind. He can't see that the traitors that once helped to throw him in jail for nothing are the same people that are continuing to try to hurt my family for entertainment. He actually lives with them? Undeniably callous of him to do that and certainly not what I am looking for beyond a boyfriend. It's treason. It's saying, "I'm a coward." "Not only am I willing to accept that the people that wouldn't help me are now okay, because they are wealthy, but now I will accept what they do to Kevin and his family too..." unacceptable on every single level for me to deal with.
There is a part of me that will never forget what went on with Steven Frey and myself, and it was Christopher Monti that told me that I should consider it, "...a learning experience." He has only himself to blame for me remembering that learning experience the way I do and not repeating the mistakes of the past with him now. I learned alright. I learned that no matter how much you care about a person, they can turn their back on you. Steven was a decent guy, but when the going got tough, he turned his back on me and didn't believe that I could help him out of his disaster with Laurie. I could though. Now Christopher is in that same position, doing the same thing and I won't fall victim to my heart when my head is reminding me that "learning experience" from before. Don't let him in. Don't let what these "pseudo parents" and "pseudo friends" rope me into feeling what nine years of silence tells me is the truth. What was once true is no longer. I have to believe in my own feelings. I have me and nobody else. I am good enough to do this job with what I have and who I am. What happens from now on is completely up to me. I can no longer believe in the past, I can only believe in what I know I can do without him.
There is always a part of these people that thinks I am too soft hearted. I have news for them. There is a side of me that they don't know. It is the federal witness side that has no feelings. It is the professional witness without bend. I won't be able to be caring or feeling the way they think I will be because when it comes to testimony in a federal courtroom my friendships won't come into play. I will be THE witness. I won't let Christopher, Steven, Benjamin or anyone else's personal feelings get in the way of how I testify. I don't care about how it will affect my friendships, I will give nothing but the truth; one hundred percent. I will not compromise who I am for people that did not give a damn about me or my family ever. The coldness that I feel every single night when I go to sleep will never go away. It will be with me for the rest of my life.
You can't imagine the coldness in my heart for the people that have left me to fend for myself. It is an all day all night experience. I haven't had a personal phone call from a friend in probably five years. I couldn't tell you the last friendly face I've seen. I can't ever recall talking to anyone about anything friendly. There hasn't been any "good" for so long that I just have to think that somewhere there is good for someone else and be happy with that. This local team has sought to take all the "good" from everything. When the chance came to put "Laurie" next to me and my family, there she was at a memorial with the people she hates the most; my mom, dad, sister and me. Inches away from the people she's told she wants to rape and kill. The entertainment factor was above the roof for this local team.
There isn't any excuse for this. There isn't any reason. There isn't anything but terror to blame for this kind of an encounter; an ambush of emotional destruction. One thing is for certain, there is one man that wanted that to happen, for what reason, who knows? Fear? Rage? Emotional distress? Shock factor? Warning? Threat? He'll tell you he can't control that but he'd never let that happen to his own family if they were attending a wedding or a funeral now would he? You see he can control that for his family, but not for mine. The thing is this, there is an act going on here. An act like "I can't" when the reality is "I could, I just don't want to". That is intentional. Why?
It's not the the people that don't like me, it's the ones that act like they do that I have to worry about. Those are the ones that Christopher is listening to. I have to move on in my life. I spent all of my forties believing that he would help me become the person that I know I can become on my own. Looking around, I'm already him and Christopher is nowhere to be seen.
Haven't heard from him in nine years. Not an email. Not a phone call. Not a Skype. Not a text. Not anything. Last thing I heard about him was from Jonathan saying I'd have a boyfriend in a year, but that was before he died. Haven't heard from his mother since her friend told me to "fuck off". Haven't heard from his sister. You would think that after I basically proved that his arrest was bullshit that they would have been thankful for that, but nope. You would think that after jail he would have said something, but nope. You would think that he would have said something after learning this blog was a hit for him and his family but nope. Nothing. This is the way that the families of these victims are...ungrateful. I have a reputation as the one person that fights this crime publicly and I have respect for myself because I'm not afraid like the rest of you are. To me, you are all a bunch of cowards. You can't do what I do because you fear what will happen to you. Why say something in public when Kevin will do it for you? Such cowards.
Rest assured there is someone out there that isn't afraid to stand with me and that is the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. It definitely is NOT Christopher Monti. He's chosen a life of silence and deception. He would rather not tell you the truth and for a priest, that's not something that I would expect. That happens a lot. Would you want to confide in a priest that doesn't tell you the truth? I wouldn't. I would rather talk to someone that looks me in the eye and says I know what you are dealing with and I can help you. Too much Hollywood and not enough Heaven in that boy.
This whole situation is exacerbated by a promise that I made to his mother. I did this because I knew what would happen to him if I didn't keep an eye out for him. I did everything that a boyfriend should do. Then when the situation was reversed, they did the exact opposite and turned their backs on me. They were put in a better position to do more good for me and my family and did absolutely nothing. I think that isn't what I was looking for in a relationship, a partner, a family or a friend. What I am getting at here is the seriousness of the situation called for something much greater than the response. No response at all? That's not what I was looking for at all. I think that when you go to the greatest lengths and to greater heights to save a person's life, you do it with the greatest amount of respect for a family. When that is done the way I've done and the return is absolute silence, you tend to feel disillusioned to say the very least.
Some will say that this is not the forum for this conversation. I might agree that a gentleman wouldn't put these feelings forward in such a public manner, but this is the very forum that saved his life. I feel the exact opposite. I think it is the perfect venue to say that I did more than anyone in history has ever done to express the love and concern that I had for him, his family and his safety. Under the circumstances, it was the perfect way to have people looking out for him. Can I help it if the people that promised to help me, weren't looking out for his best interests but now live with him? He's blind. He can't see that the traitors that once helped to throw him in jail for nothing are the same people that are continuing to try to hurt my family for entertainment. He actually lives with them? Undeniably callous of him to do that and certainly not what I am looking for beyond a boyfriend. It's treason. It's saying, "I'm a coward." "Not only am I willing to accept that the people that wouldn't help me are now okay, because they are wealthy, but now I will accept what they do to Kevin and his family too..." unacceptable on every single level for me to deal with.
There is a part of me that will never forget what went on with Steven Frey and myself, and it was Christopher Monti that told me that I should consider it, "...a learning experience." He has only himself to blame for me remembering that learning experience the way I do and not repeating the mistakes of the past with him now. I learned alright. I learned that no matter how much you care about a person, they can turn their back on you. Steven was a decent guy, but when the going got tough, he turned his back on me and didn't believe that I could help him out of his disaster with Laurie. I could though. Now Christopher is in that same position, doing the same thing and I won't fall victim to my heart when my head is reminding me that "learning experience" from before. Don't let him in. Don't let what these "pseudo parents" and "pseudo friends" rope me into feeling what nine years of silence tells me is the truth. What was once true is no longer. I have to believe in my own feelings. I have me and nobody else. I am good enough to do this job with what I have and who I am. What happens from now on is completely up to me. I can no longer believe in the past, I can only believe in what I know I can do without him.
There is always a part of these people that thinks I am too soft hearted. I have news for them. There is a side of me that they don't know. It is the federal witness side that has no feelings. It is the professional witness without bend. I won't be able to be caring or feeling the way they think I will be because when it comes to testimony in a federal courtroom my friendships won't come into play. I will be THE witness. I won't let Christopher, Steven, Benjamin or anyone else's personal feelings get in the way of how I testify. I don't care about how it will affect my friendships, I will give nothing but the truth; one hundred percent. I will not compromise who I am for people that did not give a damn about me or my family ever. The coldness that I feel every single night when I go to sleep will never go away. It will be with me for the rest of my life.
You can't imagine the coldness in my heart for the people that have left me to fend for myself. It is an all day all night experience. I haven't had a personal phone call from a friend in probably five years. I couldn't tell you the last friendly face I've seen. I can't ever recall talking to anyone about anything friendly. There hasn't been any "good" for so long that I just have to think that somewhere there is good for someone else and be happy with that. This local team has sought to take all the "good" from everything. When the chance came to put "Laurie" next to me and my family, there she was at a memorial with the people she hates the most; my mom, dad, sister and me. Inches away from the people she's told she wants to rape and kill. The entertainment factor was above the roof for this local team.
There isn't any excuse for this. There isn't any reason. There isn't anything but terror to blame for this kind of an encounter; an ambush of emotional destruction. One thing is for certain, there is one man that wanted that to happen, for what reason, who knows? Fear? Rage? Emotional distress? Shock factor? Warning? Threat? He'll tell you he can't control that but he'd never let that happen to his own family if they were attending a wedding or a funeral now would he? You see he can control that for his family, but not for mine. The thing is this, there is an act going on here. An act like "I can't" when the reality is "I could, I just don't want to". That is intentional. Why?
It's not the the people that don't like me, it's the ones that act like they do that I have to worry about. Those are the ones that Christopher is listening to. I have to move on in my life. I spent all of my forties believing that he would help me become the person that I know I can become on my own. Looking around, I'm already him and Christopher is nowhere to be seen.
Haven't heard from him in nine years. Not an email. Not a phone call. Not a Skype. Not a text. Not anything. Last thing I heard about him was from Jonathan saying I'd have a boyfriend in a year, but that was before he died. Haven't heard from his mother since her friend told me to "fuck off". Haven't heard from his sister. You would think that after I basically proved that his arrest was bullshit that they would have been thankful for that, but nope. You would think that after jail he would have said something, but nope. You would think that he would have said something after learning this blog was a hit for him and his family but nope. Nothing. This is the way that the families of these victims are...ungrateful. I have a reputation as the one person that fights this crime publicly and I have respect for myself because I'm not afraid like the rest of you are. To me, you are all a bunch of cowards. You can't do what I do because you fear what will happen to you. Why say something in public when Kevin will do it for you? Such cowards.
Rest assured there is someone out there that isn't afraid to stand with me and that is the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. It definitely is NOT Christopher Monti. He's chosen a life of silence and deception. He would rather not tell you the truth and for a priest, that's not something that I would expect. That happens a lot. Would you want to confide in a priest that doesn't tell you the truth? I wouldn't. I would rather talk to someone that looks me in the eye and says I know what you are dealing with and I can help you. Too much Hollywood and not enough Heaven in that boy.
