"Beat Some Sense Into Him" - Laurie LaFuckYou

You see a pieced together skull (made out of an ostrich's egg btw), I see a reminder of what it was like trying to stop Laurie and her brother from hurting other people.  When I see a smashed skull, I think of what it's like when I move my head too quickly from one side to another...it hurts.  Then I think of the hundreds of times that Laurie told people to hit me in the face afterwards...and I think, why?  Now I know that the head I have has lots of breaks in the skull, but it hasn't changed my heart.  I was beaten, nearly to death, and I am still hearing the criminal tell me that, "It wasn't enough" or that "I won't die for her" and instead of people being angry over what happened, I'm dealing with the hurt feelings of people that don't want me to say anything about it.  That hurts about as much as the head does.  Now, with that same head, I have to embark on a new career at 50...knowing that the same person that forced me into that situation is still trying to "finish the job".  All my fault for defending myself and following the instructions of people that advised me.

I think of what Matthew Sheppard thought before his assailants left him to die on a fence post and I wonder, was it better to die on that fence so people knew what happened or would it have been better if he was miraculously able to heal and try to tell people about it in a place where nobody wants to look like this could happen.  There is no doubt that if I had died in that bedroom at Steven's home that there would have been some kind of investigation, but as it looks, it would probably have been chalked up to something drug related, without any drugs in my system, or something covered up because of Laurie's lies.  Would it have been better to die in that home or live to try to explain it or tell people about it?  After all of the other things that happened before that crime...it would seem that neither is the most appropriate option for the victim.  The more you complain, the more you get arrested in Palm Springs.  Then they threaten to arrest you if you dare complain again.

People ask why I don't keep going to that police department for answers?  Hear me, "They told me there was nothing more that they could do for me" and they told me, "Not to report another thing about Steven Frey or else."  I don't go there because it is a bad place for me.  Laurie's cops swarm around any victim of this crime keeping good police officers from helping the victims.  She knows when they are going there and she has them waiting at the door.  Ask Anthony Dabiere what that is like.  It's not possible to make a change without doing what I am doing for the police officers there that can read this and not fear someone from their own department stopping them.  I was threatened, many times, for putting up flyers or saying things that I shouldn't say.  You see silence is also Laurie's friend, even though she doesn't know what it is for herself.

I think of Matthew in that situation after the beating...what did he think about?   Did he know that his afterlife would focus on his life here on Earth or did he know that his death was imminent? I wonder, sometimes, what he would do if he lived through that.  Would he have fought?  What would he do if all of his friends ended up tied to that fence one by one...like me?  You see, at some point you have to realize that the threats to your friends and family are greater than your own life.  Then you fight.  Then it happened to the person you love...then you're furious!  Then nothing happens, but you are even more determined.  Do you have to die to make a difference?  I hope not.  If I do die, I want you all to know that Bryan Anderson knows, for a fact, whom killed me....there is no doubt about it.  I don't want anyone thinking that there weren't all kinds of people that knew what Laurie had been doing her whole life.  There are.  I'm constantly reminded of how frustrated I am at all of the missed signs and witnesses silenced.  My life has to mean something, otherwise this will grow and become more desensitized....normal and this situation is anything but normal.  It's a killing field in Palm Springs...the hospitals and the police ARE NOT THERE FOR US, yet.   This kind of hopeless endangerment is what three decades of P.S. gay men have lived and died through.  It's worse than the AIDS virus...it's slavery.

So I moved away from Palm Springs, California...I worked and survived.  I worried every single day about Christopher and my friends.  Sent emails about them to the city council and to the police department.  Christopher got arrested and jailed.  Nothing happened.  Jonathan died.  Shawn died. Anthony disappeared.  Everyone I cared about was gone and Laurie keeps on winning.  The less that happens, the better, but Laurie and Brian followed me here, to Hesperia and then to Sedona, Arizona.  A loose end that needed to be "tied up".  Living in constant fear with threats coming in the form of "beat downs" at my work, burglaries of my homes, letters in the mail and a video of her friend at my home...I still managed to stay alive.  The fear grows every single day.  Now, with no more disability benefits, I am about to enter into Laurie's "Greatest Fantasy"...working full time in a place where her fetishes meet her violence and lies.  I'm again challenged with doing the job and protecting the people I am around and if you know Laurie, she'll do ANYTHING TO KNOW WHOM I AM IN CONTACT WITH.  Even writing on this blog is something she wants to use, but I am steadfast.  I believe that I have a right to live if nothing else.  I'm in constant fear that she will try to do to me what she did to my father 30 plus years ago.  It isn't ideal by any means.

I'm afraid to admit that I'm afraid.  I am stunted by the realization that the police and the onlookers will sacrifice me to save themselves.  My only defense is this blog for now.  I have the right to tell you all what is coming as well as what has transpired.  I have to do that with a smile on my face for my family's sake.  I have to keep sober, look happy, act like nothing is wrong and hope that I can cope with whatever she deals me with other people sacrificing me for their own family's sake.  It's a no win...because of other people's decisions for me.  You can't imagine what it is like knowing whom is committing this crime about you and the lengths that people will go to make her lies a reality.  It's not the way the real world works, but it did.  I know this isn't my thing too.  I don't like complaining for myself because advocating for others is easier.  My story is a nightmare...and it gets marginalized and forgotten, but someone else's story is just about to begin and you all love him.

Benjamin is next!  He's fought with me against Laurie. He's outspoken, kind, smart, well liked, handsome and has money.  Been there, done that.  He's her biggest nemesis, but Laurie won't say that.  Diminishing his importance, Laurie's other girlfriend, Missy has minimized his importance to make her own bigger, brighter and to appear "the most important thing".  It's not.  Benjamin is a man.  That's the first and most important thing.  A man to Laurie is something to be destroyed.  Like kittens under a sink that Laurie killed...he isn't important to anyone but his family and friends...and if they want to keep him theirs, they'll have to pay.   I think it is a shame what we've failed to acknowledge about all of these victims, but he, in particular, was a target for her hate years before he was victimized.  The one second there was a window, Laurie busted through it and attacked.  Downplaying his role as advocate is intentional.  He isn't important because he IS IMPORTANT!  True, friends of his, and mine, could easily whisk him away to the South of France or anywhere...but Benjamin chose to fight for his community, his family, our friends...and especially me.  I love him for that and am worried to death for him.  Been there, done that too.  I have all the great friends too.  I have all the kinds of contacts too.  I stayed to fight.  I stayed to stare down the bully that infected me with HIV.  The girl that hates boys.  I have to fight to keep him fighting.  What would you do?  Keep quiet?  Fight harder? Give up?

I have a boyfriend too...he needs to see me strong, not struggling.  Nobody understands what my life story means to him either.  A year and a half in jail for someone that did nothing is a huge price to pay for loving me.  Too huge.  Way too huge.  This is another threat that went unnoticed.  I still fought.

I am at a crossroads here people.  Still I rise to an uncertain ending, but I refuse to let Laurie win without a scratch.