Rested And Restless: Trepidation Is A Weird Thing With Me

 

You know I don't talk enough about the end of this crime and what it will mean to me personally.  There are some aspects that may sound odd to you given that this is the worst domestic terror threat that I know of.

I've lived my adult life pretty much without privacy.  I don't really know what it is.  I kind of adopted the feeling that since I was being watched, I had to be a really nice person and keep my nose clean, which isn't easy when Lori is trying to tell everyone that I'm a bad person.  So, from the beginning I was a nice adult.  This isn't hard for me, and I would like to say that I'd planned on being a nice person anyway, but you have to understand, Lori throws people at you all the time.

The end of this crime would signal the beginning of my only private time in my life ever.  That's a bit scary for me when I'm living where I hate living and I'm not in contact with Christopher Monti.  There are more questions than answers.  Lori thinks that she is some kind of "go between" when it comes to the two of us.  Having her out of the middle would be nice, but remember, I still haven't heard from Christopher anyway.  So this could end and I could potentially have been working on this for "no reason" other than the big one, which is to help as many victims as possible.  I still would end up with a very private but no personal life.  Not fun.

Also Lori has told a lot of stories about me to a lot of people.  What Lori has done completely to my reputation may be permanent, but I still believe that I have the ability to talk to people and let them know that the truth hasn't ever really been told about my family, my father, my sister and my unintentional involvement with her.  It was always Lori spying in on my brother in law and me...and the results have been costly for all of our families.  I'm a bit nervous, in a good way, about the truth being known.

Also there is an uncertain future...

I have been doing this for so long that there is no certain path which to take when it comes to this crime.  When I was saving money for an attorney, there was some kind of control over how I approached the PSPD, the City of LaQuinta, the hospital and all kinds of victims.  Now it's like where do I fit in, in my own investigation?  It's been a very long time since there was any kind of progress at all.  It kind of bugs me that there were easy ways to put the criminals behind bars and nobody took it.  There is a country full of victims here and all over the world and we failed to do the easiest thing after we identified the origin of this tech.  Not very good in my stomach.

Where do I stand in my own case?  It's really hard to tell.

I've been alone out here for so long now dealing with this problem that I'm just really kind of a shut in that goes to work.  It's a difficult situation for me because I'm pretty extroverted when it comes to people.  I've never had a self imposed shut down of my entire life and I've never had so many people that know what I'm up to...sorry, I'm kinda boring, but I didn't use to be.  LOL.

I don't know, I just kind of feel weird right now...uncertain future and uncertain life.