Last night I finally realized all the overlooking of my life that my friends and my family's friends have done to make their own lives easier. I don't know when it happened but somewhere along the way I was forgotten and discarded when that wasn't my life, ever. Leave it to the fucking desert to ruin anything good in my past, present, or future.
I can remember once, while I was sitting in my judge's courtroom and working, thinking to myself, "I love my job. This is the perfect fit for me. I don't know what I would do if I lost it. I would probably have to move back home...my version of Hell." Those were my exact thoughts. I think back and I can remember it was an emotionally tumultuous time in my life. If I remember correctly, my job was going well, I was working out and in good shape, my boyfriend was leaving (Lori had been contacting him the whole time), but the worst part was all of the stalkers. Everywhere I went people were leering and following me for no apparent reason. It was probably less than a month or so later and I would be shot in the streets of San Diego. This began the second half of my nightmarish life...all my worst thoughts would come true.
I think the worst part is that I knew I wouldn't be challenged to be the person I was in San Diego out here where nobody interesting lives. They still don't, by the way. I knew what I had achieved in San Diego was good for me even if it was while being stalked by Lori and her friends. Of course, at that point, Lori hadn't begun using this system to talk to me, only to listen in, cause problems with my landlord and others, and have people everywhere I went. I can remember how lonely that made me feel. For the first real time in my life I was a freak, but I've always liked the freaks. They don't judge like other people do. I've met some of the best and brightest people I know; most of them were freaks.
Somewhere between Lori spying on me and telling everyone she knew that her brother and I had mutual friends and her lies about my drug use, I lost what was truly special about me. I lost something that I think, after years of being tortured, will never come back. It's a shame because I liked the real me, not the me that the desert has brought back. The deprivation, the heat, the unimaginable lack of intelligence, all of it, sucked my entire 40's away. Nobody even cared. I worked as hard as I could just so that I couldn't live here...that was taken in an instant and I won't ever see it again. That's what the desert does, it takes...until you die in the sun.
I have no idea why someone like Bessie Smith exists. She isn't my friend. She really isn't my sister's friend. She's someone my family had around when I was a kid, that was a long long time ago. She hadn't come around since. A forgotten memory mixed with lots of other girls that my sister was friendly with in high school Nothing special, just someone my sister trusted, lived with for a brief time in college, and then never came around again. She was also friends with my brother in law, she knew him better than I did for a long time. I don't think that I'll ever understand what she did and why she did it. It wasn't to help me, it was to promulgate a stereotype that Lori LaFond had planted in my sister's mind for decades. Druggie, not friendly, loser, slacker...all of which was utter bullshit. I've never been in worse shape than I am right now, sober, but still dying. Still trying to make up something to my family that I never did. From the second I got HIV at 19 from Lori's needle while I was knocked out to this very minute when I still have to borrow money from the sister that took all mine and handed it to Bessie Smith. Why? You would have to ask her.
Then there were the years in Palm Springs around Steven Frey. Of course Lori had more stories to tell then too. Somehow I'm pretty sure that running into him after 15 years was something that Lori also set up or put in my way. It wasn't a mistake. I saw in him another person that went from successful business person with a nice home in Warm Sands, to a run down apartment on the north end that he said was owned by two lesbians from Long Beach. Somehow, my instincts knew he would be better to be around than the people in Warm Sands. He actually got me motivated to find a place and make better friends out here. Some I knew, some I didn't but he kind of introduced me then just let that be. Now I know why...it was Lori. These men had already been through Lori...and she devastated them too.
Steven was dealing drugs. I wasn't interested in being his boyfriend or anything, but I did like him. I told him I wasn't into the drug dealer boyfriend thing and he was cool with that. We were really good friends. It was important to me to try to help him do other things with his life. We did some of that and I think when I left, he was working in concrete treatments and I was happy for him, but at the same time, this would be the end of one of the worst eras of my life. You see, all the years before of Lori stalking me was done in silence. It was only on a trip home from Los Angeles that I began "hearing voices". It was a shock to say the least.
From what I can gather, Lori had gotten angry that I had some friends in Los Angeles that I liked to see for a weekend...so she made some calls and had people arrested there too.
I want to be perfectly clear here too. I was not a drug customer of Lori LaFond's. I don't do girl drug dealers. I don't trust them. I don't like them. They have way too much emotion in their business. No, Lori was supplied by my boyfriend, who had to cater to her every need, night and day, and who also was being raped in his home at night when I wasn't there. Missy and Lori made it a point to tell Steven that "they didn't want me there." Like they have some kind of say. The truth is that it is much harder for Lori and Brian to rape a man when there are two. (Thanks again Christopher.)
I know what torture he went through and just like Jonathan, when he had to go to the hospital, with all the other friends that they had in the area, they both called me. Steven looked almost dead when I saw him...this was right after my rape. He looked like E.T. in the stream, white and shaky, just before you thought he was going to die.
They call me, Pastor Mendenhall...that's who they call.
Most of you know how I met Christopher...so I won't get into that again.
I don't know why people won't tell the truth. I guess it's more convenient to hurt someone else than admit a mistake. It assuages feelings for them, but if just one person broke their fucking silence code, it would be over....and the rest won't be as fortunate.
I don't know why Christopher and his family are apparently hurting me intentionally. Lori says it's because of Benjamin's father. As is usually the case Lori is pretending that everyone has it better than me, I just hope they do. Worse than me isn't a pretty place. I don't understand and I realized, not just with Christopher, but with all the people that I helped...I don't feel anything anymore...honestly. It's been so long that I've lost feelings for my friends, like I don't miss them anymore. Like they are a part of the past that only had pain in it. Not that it's better now, but they were all lying behind my back...all the time. Even Steven lied to me and he never had to.
Everyone. Like I did something bad by telling you who Lisa was. Lori Jean LaFond from 29 Palms, California. Mother, Marie LaFond, Father, Eugene LaFond (deceased), and SIster, Jacquie Palmer. There, see, the secret is out and I knew more than all of you that didn't know that stuff. I also know her past in this area. She's a psychopath thief drug dealer. No surprise there. The homicidal lesbian, maybe something she developed in Palm Springs, but she started it here. So now the balance of power has changed. I know I can have her arrested because she's a liar on court documents that have implications. Her arrest is as far or close as I want it to be.
It's statutory in both cases...the illegal order and application, and falsifying her employment in the City of La Quinta, guaranteed. That's a statute. So Lori's gone whenever I figure out who is best suited for this case. Right now, I don't trust anyone with that information and will make that decision when I am making it. Periodt.
I don't know why Christopher is acting like this. I have no idea why he would hurt me more after all the stuff above and the decades before. It's not something I can fathom or even want to try anymore. The whole thing has left me feeling smaller and less important than ever before. I guess that will make Lori feel better, but that I knew, I'm just wondering who else is feeling that way, and why? What did I ever do to you? I know my conscience is totally clear. On all levels of my friendships, I know I was a good friend to all of my friends. When the truth is known, I will have wondered why I wasted so much time trying to help people that only help themselves. I guess it's my nature, I'm better at helping other people than myself, and let's face it, nothing I do comes without Lori's interference. It's a shit life.
I told Christopher that I wouldn't hold this tech and his lack of skill against him, but some things are innately not good. You can't see me hurt like I do and still love me not saying a word. It's too much. It's too painful. I don't like or understand trying to figure it out and it shouldn't take that. I could never watch some billionaire play with Christopher's family and not tell them, the same way I couldn't know Lori Lafond was hurting my friends and not tell their parents. I walk it, I talk it. I'm not the person you want to lie to you. That's someone else's job. You see, I'm at a loss for feelings...I'm not feeling any anymore.
So if you get a chance, ask Christopher, why are you hurting Kevin so intentionally and obviously, or at least that's what Lori says.
It could all just be a dream...
Nobody helped me with Lori when I was a kid, a teenager, an adult....and you all should really be thankful that I did that for you.
