Just Doesn't Seem Like California Without Christopher Monti

I had to go to Palm Springs today...it's so weird going there knowing that almost all of my friends are gone from there now.  California doesn't seem the same without Christopher here...it's just empty.  Nothing to look forward to when he's nowhere near here.  Then I look around and the stuff that I wanted to happen so much isn't as fun without him around.  This crime sucks so much.  It takes so much away from everyone.  Most of Lori's friends haven't seen their parents in years and years.  She collects these people like slaves and then demands that they become some kind of Lori-cult member.  Yes, like the Manson Family.  There is so much drug use going on inside that home...it's astonishing.  There is no possible way that I could hear Lori as often as I am forced to without her being on a constant IV drip of meth and GHB.

I feel like I'm stuck in the one place I never wanted to be.  Thinking that Christopher was here somewhere...was somehow better than knowing he's at home.  Don't get me wrong, it was impossible for him to live here with Lori going off without any kind of protection.  I couldn't even do that.  It was too much for me the day after we tried to sting Steven Frey.  I remember my total surrender to the fact that living there was impossible.  Still, I've been much happier in lots of other place in California.  San Diego and San Francisco are incredible places.  I'm not about to move to Los Angeles, though I like it there too.  There's a certain amount of success I will have to have to be in Los Angeles anytime soon.  Lakers only!

I think believing that he was around made me feel safer.  I wore a body camera all day today and installed the rear dash cam in my car.  I now have tape of people in front of me and in back.  Wearing a camera will allow me to capture anyone that might get violent for Lori.  I also like having the security of knowing that the PSPD can't do what they use to do to me.

You know you listen to these people and you go off of what you can factually establish.  There is so much misleading and stuff like that...I've gotten mostly better or at least I thought I had.  Now it's like I can still do everything that I need to, but it's not the same without Christopher.  He kinda made the unreachable a happy place to land this monster project.  You go for so long wanting that to be the case with Lori doing as much in the opposite direction.  You set these goals for yourself in a project like this with a subject matter the way it is and you can't understand what your mind wants as badly as it wants it.  Impossible situations, Lori has storied up, a thousand different branches down a limb of lies.  I've heard ten different version of one story and twenty of another as she tries to mint an alibi out of thin air.

For my part, thinking that Christopher would be at the end of this nightmarish journey made it livable.  Knowing that he isn't and isn't fighting this crime, it's hard to find motivation.  Literally, I've lost the heart out of this project.  You know there is a lot to be said about how he was jailed and how the police used him.  I was disappointed that the year and a half in jail wasn't spent doing more for his illegal arrests...I know I would have been furious.

There are lots of victims out there that need help.  I think I just got some 400 plus hits today so, someone is reading all of this stuff.  I'm grateful for the readers that keep looking at this.  Hopefully it has done some good for some parents and their kids, that the whole point really.  To protect your kid and find out what was really going on.  That's where this came from.

I don't know how professional of me it would be to have this happen and think ill of it when it was four years ago for everyone else.  The significance has worn off for most of the people that I've worked with.  Lori isn't formidable, she's just lucky.  Luckier than anyone out there.  I don't think that circumstances could have been worse for me again...it's just the way my life works.  It's cool though.  I hate living in this horrible little town.  It's hot.  Then it's hotter.  Then it's hotter.  Same thing every year...nothing incredible in the desert.

So when I work on this project now, it's like I don't want to mention Christopher because it's kinda stupid and it gives Lori too much room to go around spreading rumors.  I don't like her making a fool out of me, but she's also making me feel bad.  I don't really want to live here but now I'm old...and moving isn't any easier.  It's hard enough to focus with what does go on...the fantasy of having him here and supporting me made it better.  Not any more though.  Now it's a source of humiliation.

For whatever reasons we had the 400 plus hits today, thanks.  The Kevin and Christopher story is not really the story any more.  I know lots of you laughed about it, but I'm not really about that right now.