I once promised Christopher that I would be his guardian angel. I would do and try everything I could to protect him from Lori and Brian LaFond because, as you know, I love him more than anyone.
Don't you just hate it when you can't be perfect all the time? Boy, I'll tell you, I try so hard sometimes to fly a straight and narrow line in my life that if the wind blows me off course, I get frustrated and angry. Doesn't God know I have a job to do? Doesn't he know that I am protecting someone that lives by his word and teaches other people about him? Why can't this job be easier than what it is? Why can't I be perfect?
You know something? I would try just about anything to have Christopher here with me so I could protect him. It's true. I know that there are lots of people out there that love him and protect him, but I am just arrogant enough to know that nobody loves him more than I do, even when I say things that hurt him. I don't want to, I forget sometimes that the words I say hurt more than anyone else's, or maybe I don't. Am I so human that I actually say things to hurt him BECAUSE I know they will hurt more? Why do we do that?
People, humans can be so damn cruel to each other. I think sometimes you love a person so much that you forget that they are human too with all the pressures and commitments that they have in their life. I guess it means I love him even when I'm really mad at him. In my heart, I know I will forgive him for whatever it was that I challenged him with...in the end, I guess I just want to know that I'm special to him too. Don't you want to fell that way sometimes?
Of course, I think I could keep Christopher more safe than anyone else ever could because I love him the most. Even with Lori living down the street from my family, I am still arrogant enough to think I could do the best job. We all know that isn't true though. He is safer farther away from Lori no matter what. That's the truth. My ego tells me that I'm the only one that could keep him safe, but the truth is that his family is the group of people that can do exactly the same thing that I would do. Because they love him too.
This situation is complicated by Lori's big fat mouth and her ability to talk to Christopher at will. She puts herself in the middle of so many situations that I get frustrated and angry, but I take it out on Christopher, when he isn't the problem at all. It's her. Sticking her mean hurtful nose into my business and trying her best to hurt the person that I love.
There really isn't a part of me that worries that he'll fall in love with someone else and forget all about me, because his happiness is so much more important to me than any of you know. I've said it so many times, if he is happier with someone else, then that was what was meant to be and I couldn't change that. The thing that makes me so frustrated is knowing that he wouldn't feel that way if Lori wasn't around. I know that I could have and would have, made him happier if she hadn't meddled in what I knew I could build for the two of us. In a normal situation, I wouldn't have had all of the horrible obstacles that she put in front of us, like jail and frustration, simply because she's an overbearing bitch. It's extra hard for me to try to understand why a lesbian would even want to be in the middle of a gay man's relationship with another man. It's so sad. Sometimes I feel like I can't fly.
I've got friends. like Jonathan, that were robbed of happiness with his boyfriend Jared because of Lori too. I know both of these men. Both super terrific guys that loved each other very much until Lori stepped in and took that away from Jonathan. When Jared died, a part of Jonathan changed...he grew very angry with Lori and Brian who then had the audacity to try to move into his home where he lived with Jared. The nerve and audacity...what Lori did to Jared reminds me of what she did to Christopher and it just kills me to think that I can't save him. How can I get over that?
Someone has to realize that I love Christopher so much that I can't stand Lori one more second. Instead of trying to live her own life, she spent all day and night, with her friends David and Missy, trying to ruin what God sent me because they all wanted to do drugs together. Drugs can't be more important than love is. Love is more powerful than Lori's need to hate. I guess I am angry because Jonathan knows how much I care about Christopher and I expected more. Is that wrong? I think it might be too much to expect from a friend. I guess the Jared situation that made him so happy reminded me of Christopher and me that I thought Jonathan would fight with me for Christopher because of Jared. Is that wrong?
Wherever you are Christopher know that I am so sorry for what this girl has done to you. If I could, I would...you know the rest. I miss having you as my friend. Nobody makes me happier than you do. How pathetic huh?
Remember, someone in California love you.
Of course, I think I could keep Christopher more safe than anyone else ever could because I love him the most. Even with Lori living down the street from my family, I am still arrogant enough to think I could do the best job. We all know that isn't true though. He is safer farther away from Lori no matter what. That's the truth. My ego tells me that I'm the only one that could keep him safe, but the truth is that his family is the group of people that can do exactly the same thing that I would do. Because they love him too.
This situation is complicated by Lori's big fat mouth and her ability to talk to Christopher at will. She puts herself in the middle of so many situations that I get frustrated and angry, but I take it out on Christopher, when he isn't the problem at all. It's her. Sticking her mean hurtful nose into my business and trying her best to hurt the person that I love.
There really isn't a part of me that worries that he'll fall in love with someone else and forget all about me, because his happiness is so much more important to me than any of you know. I've said it so many times, if he is happier with someone else, then that was what was meant to be and I couldn't change that. The thing that makes me so frustrated is knowing that he wouldn't feel that way if Lori wasn't around. I know that I could have and would have, made him happier if she hadn't meddled in what I knew I could build for the two of us. In a normal situation, I wouldn't have had all of the horrible obstacles that she put in front of us, like jail and frustration, simply because she's an overbearing bitch. It's extra hard for me to try to understand why a lesbian would even want to be in the middle of a gay man's relationship with another man. It's so sad. Sometimes I feel like I can't fly.
I've got friends. like Jonathan, that were robbed of happiness with his boyfriend Jared because of Lori too. I know both of these men. Both super terrific guys that loved each other very much until Lori stepped in and took that away from Jonathan. When Jared died, a part of Jonathan changed...he grew very angry with Lori and Brian who then had the audacity to try to move into his home where he lived with Jared. The nerve and audacity...what Lori did to Jared reminds me of what she did to Christopher and it just kills me to think that I can't save him. How can I get over that?
Someone has to realize that I love Christopher so much that I can't stand Lori one more second. Instead of trying to live her own life, she spent all day and night, with her friends David and Missy, trying to ruin what God sent me because they all wanted to do drugs together. Drugs can't be more important than love is. Love is more powerful than Lori's need to hate. I guess I am angry because Jonathan knows how much I care about Christopher and I expected more. Is that wrong? I think it might be too much to expect from a friend. I guess the Jared situation that made him so happy reminded me of Christopher and me that I thought Jonathan would fight with me for Christopher because of Jared. Is that wrong?
Wherever you are Christopher know that I am so sorry for what this girl has done to you. If I could, I would...you know the rest. I miss having you as my friend. Nobody makes me happier than you do. How pathetic huh?
Remember, someone in California love you.
