I was thinking about some stuff today that makes me feel bad about who I am. I was pointing out the selfish acts of some people that caused a whole lot of damage to the work I've been doing for a long time that cost me a great deal. I think I was angry because it was a repeated action that helped Laurie to achieve a goal that she's wanted to repeat since the Steven Days. With the help of these people and their advice to others she got what she wanted, but it was more costly than even before. Someone lost his freedom. Someone almost lost his life. This time the cost was almost deadly to several people and yet they still don't acknowledge their part in their selfishness.
The horrible thing about it is how bad it makes me feel to have to point this kinds of things out to people because that isn't usually the way I am. I am not the kind of person that brings out the bad parts of people to expose that to others. Weakening a person's character in front of other people isn't my game. I'm usually the one that strengthens character by finding the silver lining, but for some reason these individuals keep trying to hit me in a personal spot over and over again and I can't keep letting them do that without saying something about it. I'm afraid someone will get killed. Selfishness in the face of death isn't necessary...wanting something so badly that someone else dies for it isn't worth having. I think that part of the reason that I said it so publicly is with the hope that they won't continue down that road and will stop so that they won't have to deal with what happens when someone dies because of their selfish desires...it has already happened once, indirectly. Now it is all around me and I want to be clear, I won't allow myself and my good nature to be put to the test without calling it into question.
I'm being put into a position where I've been so limited by the choices that I can make that I have to choose between one person and a team of people, none of whom have really made and effort to save me or my family from anything. I know whom has made the biggest risk for their own family and whom I trust the most and I am inclined to help them. I have had only one offer in the past of help and I know that it was made genuinely and with concern for me and my family without the consent of the people that are here in my area keeping my family from being helped. The people here were against that decision. Now I am being put in a position to look like I don't care by not doing anything and I am the furthest from that position of all. I WANT TO BE INVESTIGATING THIS CRIME. I WANT TO BE IN THE COURTHOUSE GOING THROUGH RECORDS. I WANT TO BE HELPING JONATHAN MENDENHALL WITH EVIDENCE PICTURES. I WANT TO BE WORKING WITH CHRISTOPHER MONTI. I WANT TO BE WORKING WITH MY TEAM. My job is not limited to what is best for me. It is limited to what I can do for everyone that this crime has happened to. It just so happens that there is terrific evidence of this crime against me to put the criminals in jail.
I've set aside my life to protect my family from Laurie and Brian since I was in the sixth grade. I'm now 48 years old. I've tried defending my family in court, I've moved away, I've avoided my family, I've been successful, I've investigated this crime, I've moved home, I've become an advocate, I've set aside my relationship, I've done every single thing I can to keep this little girl away from my family but it is getting tighter and tighter to the point where her advantages are too close without some kind of action. I have all the evidence I need with or without my friends, but my own actions could cause repercussions to people that worked their asses off for me that I can't justify hurting because of decisions that were made without my consent or advice. There is one course of action that I can take that will put all of the players in one courtroom without any kind of risk to me. The problem is that someone is going to look really bad and it isn't the most necessary thing. So what am I supposed to do?
My fairy god lesbians know what I am talking about, but I need to feel like I'm not being an asshole for following my own right to be free from this terror.
