What most people should try to understand, when considering the terrorist situation we have occurring in the Palm Springs area of California, is the level of pure hatred that the victims of this crime have had to face/hear/deal with. In our cases, it isn't just a "feeling of hate", we are seriously told, "I hate you" by Laurie and her brother on a daily basis. It is the constant negativity based on our sexuality and who we are that needs to be heard by the world.
Targeted Individuals in Palm Springs, and I imagine in other places, are told the most horribly negative and abusive things. It is difficult to explain to most interested people just how hateful the language that we hear is. Laurie is extremely racist using the "n" word, lately coupled with the word "monger" because of my fondness for people of color. All of the usual words that would offend people that have a gay family member are a staple diet for her vocabulary. My friends are referred to as "M.F." and "S.O.B"'s repeatedly. The tone of her voice is that of "feminine wanting to be masculine angst". The aggressive nature of their EEG's forces my own brain to become agitated even when I am happy and calm. It is an attack every minute of the day. It is what a gay person would fell like if everywhere he or she went someone was confronting them for being gay. Everywhere. All the time.
I said above that I am very proud of Caitlyn Jenner, Arthur Ashe and Magic Johnson for stepping outside of their roles as athletic superstars to better humanity. I'm trying very hard to do the same. I've had HIV since 1987, Magic and Arthur represent the two sports that I love the most in this world. Basketball and Tennis. Knowing that those two men were positive in 1987 and thereafter, gave me hope and kept me from hurting myself. I remember keeping the "Magic Has AIDS Virus" newspaper headline and tucking it inside of my footlocker as a way to make myself feel unafraid. If Magic could have AIDS, I thought at the time, so could I. Of course, now, we know he had the virus, but then, that meant AIDS eventually.
Living through that process had it's pitfalls. Drugs, no sex, poor image, inability to really get close to anyone...all of which were really just to keep me from hurting myself or anyone. I didn't realize that someone hated me so much that they had actually given me this disease on purpose. It's probably a good thing too, because I would have been furious. Now, it's simply a part of my life.
So now, beyond the gay, beyond the HIV, I have to try to become a champion for something that doesn't get the kind of press that HIV and Gay Rights does. The constant torture of my HIV rapist, stalking me every second of my life, verbally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and with as much hate as her tiny little body can make up.
I watched Caitlyn tonight and thought to myself, "Man would it be tougher to have all the attention of the world focused on you to try to explain something that most people don't understand, in front of your peers or would it be harder to try to expose something that nobody really understands to a world that isn't paying attention at all (from a gay man with HIV)?" Neither is an attractive option, trust me. I've been where Bruce was, but want to get to where Caitlyn is. I know I can explain what this is like and what can happen if people would only listen and look at the facts. Courage comes in many forms and I'm sure that Caitlyn will tell you that fame and attention is not always a good thing; using it for the right reasons is.
This advocacy work that I do is as hard as a Male Olympic Gold Medalist Icon becoming a woman; in a way it's so much harder and in a way it's much easier too. The challenge is what both she and I share. The approach. The intimacy. The scrutiny. I, like Caitlyn, can handle the comments, the negativity, the adversity of the situation because I am who I am. Others have not been so fortunate. Caitlyn and all of you will learn about the time that Laurie forced the suicide of my friend Tim, a targeted individual, and his boyfriend, Brett, another T.I. whom watched the whole thing happen behind a locked door and an open window. One boyfriend watched the other kill himself while Laurie prodded and pushed for this to happen. She thought it was interesting, I think it is a crime. For her own entertainment, Laurie coaxed one boyfriend to watch the suicide of another. It isn't the only one either.
In the meantime, I have to keep my team positive and challenged. I have to remind them that they need to love themselves because they deserve love. They are special people that people will look up to and admire. For so long many of them have had so much stolen from their lives, including their health, that now they have to re-learn how special they are to the world. The survivors of 30 years of terror that could not be explained until now. A hate crime of such magnitude that it brings up what the core aspect of being a human is. Can we all work together to stop someone from stealing our mind and our humanity? I have, of course, to do all of this without my dearest Christopher, whom I haven't seen in almost 8 full years. I know Caitlyn spent a lot of time alone and with family members, I know she can understand.
The final blow comes when the world learns that it is two people from the very edge of our own community that did this. Allegedly a transgendered brother and a closeted lesbian sister, whom have taken from their own community to give to themselves. Stealing from the poor, stealing from the diseased, taking from the disabled and they were the pair that did this to them. Fortunately for us, this crime isn't committed by homophobic homosexuals across the country, so the message is clear, just because two of our own did this to us, doesn't mean that the rest of you are safe. By and large, most of the victims of this crime are women. Heterosexual women being stalked by heterosexual men. It is going to take our community of homosexuals to benefit the heterosexual community, something that I know we do without batting an eye. The trick is to get them to pay that back with understanding and love.
My team is challenged to understand when we don't. To love where there is none. To be friendly to the friendless. Most of all they are charged with the responsibility to love themselves like they never have before. Love yourself enough to effect a change for everyone.
If you missed Caitlyn Jenner, never fear, the role of the advocate is to repeat it everywhere. Here is last night's speech:
If you missed Caitlyn Jenner, never fear, the role of the advocate is to repeat it everywhere. Here is last night's speech:
